Onchain: It’s a clown’s world
Used to be a man’s world, but these days, I think clowns is more appropriate. If only all of us didn’t have to bear the consequences.
Story One
Not a joke
On April 1st, news broke that Drift protocol had been halted and attackers had managed to extract $285 million in crypto. The headlines hence read: This is not an April Fool’s joke.
As the days went on, more details came to light. In a recent X article, Drift shared that this attack had been long in the making, with individuals posing as a trading firm spending months building relations with contributors.
The supposed trading firm even launched a vault on Drift, and seemingly did everything a normal business partner would have done. The difference is that with the supposed trading firm’s wallet app, Drift contributors got exposed to malware.
After the attack, all communication channels with this pretend-firm were wiped, and the connections built over months disappeared.
Meanwhile, USDC issuer Circle happily did nothing while the hackers moved funds through their cross-chain protocol from Solana to Ethereum.
Funny how they were quick to freeze multiple wallets in a recent U.S. civil case, but the second North Korean hackers drain funds, they remain asleep on the wheel.
Takeaway: It’s a scary world out there. While it might be possible to screen candidates by asking them to insult Kim Jong-un, it’s not so easy when these hackers hire non-Korean nationals to bond with projects at crypto conferences.
Story Two
More unfunny jokes
Every year on April 1st, I desperately hope that crypto projects finally realize that using this day to make stupid jokes is cringe. Every year, I’m reliably disappointed. Anyway, this year, the one guy who couldn’t keep his fingers from the keyboard was CEO and founder of Avalanche: Emin Gün Sirer. In his head, his tweet probably read like a genius take.
If his goal was reactions, he accomplished that. However, he must have underestimated the strength of the Ripple community. They quickly turned up under his tweet, attacking anything from Avalanche’s (small) market cap to its supposed lack of utility. Even the Ripple CEO chipped in, commenting, “glad to know we’re living rent-free in your head.”
The response received 10x as many likes. A ratio so strong, Emin might reconsider which community to rage-bait next time more carefully.
Takeaway: Desperate times require desperate measures.
Story Three
Crypto killed the tortoise
Speaking of desperate times, thanks to the crypto presidency, we’re getting a painful lesson in being proven wrong whenever you falsely assume that it can’t get worse. As they say, such moments might breed innovation, or more indecency. The scammers posing as the veterinarian for the oldest still-living tortoise, Jonathan, chose the latter.
The tortoise in question:
On X, they posted a statement explaining that the tortoise had unfortunately passed away after a long and fulfilled life – something crypto bros can only long for – and that in memory of the tortoise, it’d be a great idea to buy a memecoin named after it.
Naturally, that should have raised suspicion, as no reputable veterinarian would issue memecoins on Solana. In the end, it was all a scam. The real Dr. Hollins later came forward to confirm that Jonathan was alive and well.
In response, the X team decided it was time to update their rules whenever new accounts spoke of crypto. Once established, first-time posters mentioning crypto will be blocked and required to pass verification.
Takeaway: I’m sure you are too smart to fall for such scams. That said, in case you wonder whether immortalizing your pet onchain is the way, just don’t.
Fact of the Week:
Fact of the Week: If there’s one piece of classical music about tortoises you’re likely to recognize, it’s from the Carnival of the Animals. To portray the slow-moving creatures, Camille Saint-Saëns chose to parody another, famously fast piece: the Can-Can by another French composer, turning it agonizingly slow. Probably had a good laugh writing this one. You can listen to it here.
Naomi for CoinJar
Filed under: Bitcoin - @ April 8, 2026 1:25 am